Thankful

So my friends...the crazyness of year 1 of MBA school is almost at an end. WOW! I really didn't think I would survive. I came across this poem that I wrote last summer and it's so true. SO. TRUE.

Unplanned

Two years of
Unpredictable life has just happened
A path taken, yet completely unknown
But not to You

Reflecting is not one of my strong points,
I should really do it more often,
But taking time to think about Your goodness
Fills me with amazement over what You have done

The people You placed in my way
The work You allowed me to do
The life that I enjoyed
Is the result of Your goodness and mercy.

Last night was perfect
And as with everything else, not a result of my plan
Why do I stress out trying to make something
That cannot even compare to Your ways?

You are so able and I am trying to trust
You are always right, but somehow I rapidly forget
Help me to remember
You are the one I adore.

Unusually Hard To Hold On To

Such a struggle sometimes
You push, but I push back more
Trying to compromise
But is it worth it?

Can’t convince myself
Can you convince me?
Sorry I’m a challenge,
But you knew me all along

You are my friend
You are my life
How can this not be right?

Timing could be key
But there is something flawed in me
I can’t fix it
I’m independent

Strong willed, on my own path
You can’t follow but can you lead me?

Patiently figuring it out
Hoping resolution is around the corner,
I want this to have a happy ending.

Overwhelmed

This task is too big
I cannot bear it
What can I accomplish?
I am overwhelmed

Thinking day by day
Is too much of a burden
I must think by each second
To hope to make it through

Trying to see the bigger picture
Really isn’t helping
All I can do is cling to what
I thought I knew

You are sweet and so supportive
But even that is not enough
To carry me and save me from
The things I must go through

I need some hope, I need a plan
But all my plans have failed
Where do I go? What can I do?
When I feel overwhelmed

Settled In And Not Freaking Out...

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." ~Allan K. Chalmers

I am more than half-way done with my first semester! I can’t believe I have survived this long! I feel that I should be awarded a medal of some sort…

Things are progressing quite nicely. I am technically not failing any class. I am hanging out with amazing people and feeling more at home with each day. I am pushing myself to the limit and seeing what I am really capable of. I am still dating James and am happy to report that distance DOES make the heart grow fonder.

I still don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life, but am slowly piecing it together.

And tomorrow, two words:

No. Classes.

Distant

“I am part of all I have met.” – Alfred Tennyson

I love Boston. I love my school. I love my new friends. I love learning things in a class environment again. But my heart just can’t seem to find a place to rest.

I think that it’s the culmination of years of moving to new places. Connecting to new people and then moving on for one reason or another. I feel as though I know everyone and no one. Especially looking over the next two years….this is my initial assessment: my parents live in Bulgaria, my sister is in Missouri, my boyfriend is in Chicago, my best friends are in Philadelphia and Moldova, and I live in Boston.

Any suggestions? No, really, I’m open to all possible solutions.

I keep getting frustrated. I feel like my time and energy is being stretched in so many different directions that I’m not able to fully be present anywhere. I definitely don’t want to miss out on things I should be experiencing, but it’s hard to focus when you don’t know the end game.

So I’ll guess I’ll keep you posted.

Taking a Chill Pill

The three great American vices seem to be efficiency, punctuality, and the desire for achievement and success. They are the things that make the Americans so unhappy and so nervous. -Lin Yutang,

I am a veteran of change. I am an expert at transition. I am able to finish well, find closure, introduce myself, and create instantaneous support networks. And I, Abigail Menke, have failed.

Think my expectations were a little too high? Really? Well, perhaps you are right.

I came to Boston on a high. Sure that God had opened the doors for me to be in this new place and ready to conquer anything that might arise with a quick prayer, some hard work, and my irresistible charm.

It has been about 3 weeks, and surprisingly enough, I’m still fumbling my way through this new environment. I think that circumstances in our lives arise to teach us things. I have learned that I am a mere mortal and that no amount of planning or research can really prepare someone for the unknown. Also, I don’t think it’s supposed to happen in one easy step. You are supposed to get used to your surroundings and settle in and make some mistakes and get lost and be frustrated and call people by the wrong name….it’s just a process.

I am going to stop being so hard on myself. I’m going to sit back and enjoy what is going on in front of me and have as much fun as possible. I will work hard, play hard, laugh hard, cry hard, and love with all my heart.

This could be the best year yet.

Sacrifice

“You will give your life to something or you will throw it away on nothing.”

I write to you today as a survivor; a survivor of my M.B.A. orientation week. That said, I think I’ll go home now.

Or perhaps, I will just retract the eager statement in my previous blog entry of, “Bring it on.” What was I thinking?

I am now fully realizing that this decision will require total commitment. Grad school has the real potential to break me or change me into something I never wanted to be. This is going to be a constant and extremely rigorous test of my priorities. I’ve had to ask myself all over again: Why am I here? What do I hope to accomplish? Am I ultimately motivated by the desire to be rich or the desire to change the world no matter what the cost?

And when we talk about cost, it seems so philosophical and vague. May I suggest taking out school loans of tens of thousands of dollars and calculating your negative net worth to put this concept into sharp perspective.

Basically I’m seeing that regardless of what I’m motivated by, these next two years are going to require huge sacrifice. However, if that’s the case, I would rather the results be for a worthy reason. I hope that the somewhat altruistic motives that I had initially will be preserved. I hope to learn from others, while not compromising my values and principles and I hope that no matter which professor I must learn under, I actually do learn something valuable.

That was the other very nice present from orientation, being told over and over how I was picked because I excelled, but now, I’m just average…

Wow! Try to let that statement just sink in for awhile. It has taught me that sometimes, I need to be humbled. Of some things, I need to be broken. And ultimately, I don’t know everything (surprise, surprise).

With that, I guess I go on from here…still slightly overwhelmed, a little less arrogant, but stubbornly hopeful that this can somehow have an incredible ending.